Boy Moms, We Need Your Help!
Hey Boy Moms,
I've been wanting to open up a conversation about something important: how our teen boys treat our teen girls online.
The 2021 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that an estimated 15.9% of high school students were electronically bullied in the 12 months prior to the survey. However, according to DoSomething.Org - that number is substantially higher (see stats below). And, anecdotally, I’d have to agree with the higher numbers.
From what I’m hearing, it seems like the trend is getting worse – boys are engaging in behaviors like body shaming, making derogatory sexual references, rating girls on their attractiveness and sexual desirability (a.k.a. f***ability), and even resorting to the illegal act of electronically distributing child pornography of their female peers. In some schools, there are instances where boys are using AI to spread fake nude images of their classmates. Besides just texting, these behaviors pop up on various social media platforms, including anonymous Instagram accounts - thus reaching a wide audience without the fear of getting caught.
And to be fair, girls also engage in harmful and sometimes illegal behavior, including requesting and sending nudes of themselves. In many situations, girls are not innocent victims. Girls also body shame boys (although generally not in a public context) and they pick each other apart - piece by piece.
However, when boys use derogatory or critical language towards girls in front of a mass audience - anonymously, the impact is particularly devastating. It is not only unjust, harmful, and destructive but feels like targeted humiliation. Girls being subjected to public scrutiny and ridicule, exacerbates the emotional toll of such behavior. Shame is a very powerful emotion, it can lead to mental health struggles and in the very worst cases it can cause someone to take their own life.
As a Teen & Parent Well-Being Coach and a mom of 2 teen boys and 2 girls (one teen and one tween),
I'd like to invite all boy moms into a safe space to address this. And as always, the idea is to support each other – this isn't a competition. No one will ever get the best or worst mom award in The Positively Healthy Mom community. We all know that we can parent to the best of our ability, and kids are still autonomous creatures who make their own decisions.
Trust me. I get it. At times, I thought I had sufficiently taught my kids the risks and consequences of certain behaviors, only to find out they made a wrong choice anyway. And just like most moms, I'm busy! I don't know everything my kids do or say online or offline. That being said, it never hurts to remind ourselves that our two main jobs as parents are to love/nurture and provide structure. Providing structure means setting boundaries, establishing and following through with consequences, and instilling values.
Parents play a crucial role in shaping kids' attitudes and behaviors.
And I welcome dads into this conversation as well. How dads view and treat women as a gender is a model for their sons.
We must actively teach our boys empathy, respect, and kindness, especially in their interactions with girls. How they treat others, especially on digital platforms, can have a lasting impact.
We should also recognize how societal norms and cultural attitudes contribute to these behaviors. Media portrayals and societal expectations shape boys' perceptions of girls and influence their behavior online. As parents, we are responsible for challenging and unlearning these harmful norms within our families and communities.
Practical strategies can include:
Fostering open communication with our sons about healthy relationships and gender dynamics.
Setting boundaries around online behavior.
Promoting positive role models and media representations.
I believe that by fostering open and honest conversations with our sons about the importance of treating everyone with dignity and respect, we can help prevent harmful behaviors like cyberbullying and promote a culture of empathy and understanding.
If you have a daughter who has experienced this, you know the anger and protective instinct that arises. And if you are a boy-only family, I urge you to imagine how derogatory terms or nude images spread around would feel during your teen years.
Let's work together to empower our boys to treat girls with respect and to encourage them to speak out to their peers who didn't get the "how not to be a jerk" memo. Remember, every girl is someone’s daughter. And no matter how they dress, what they look like, or how they behave no one deserves to be publicly humiliated.
Let's continue to support each other and work together on this journey of parenting.
11 Facts About Cyberbulling according to DoSomething.org
About 37% of young people between the ages of 12 and 17 have been bullied online. 30% have had it happen more than once.[1]
95% of teens in the U.S. are online, and the vast majority access the internet on their mobile device, making it the most common medium for cyber bullying.[2]
23% of students reported that they’ve said or done something mean or cruel to another person online. 27% reported that they’ve experienced the same from someone else.[3]
Girls are more likely than boys to be both victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying. 15% of teen girls have been the target of at least four different kinds of abusive online behaviors, compared with 6% of boys.[4]
About half of LGBTQ+ students experience online harassment -- a rate higher than average.[5]
Instagram is the social media site where most young people report experiencing cyberbullying, with 42% of those surveyed experiencing harassment on the platform.[6]
Young people who experience cyberbullying are at a greater risk than those who don’t for both self-harm and suicidal behaviors.[7]
83% of young people believe social media companies should be doing more to tackle cyberbullying on their platforms.[8]
60% of young people have witnessed online bullying. Most do not intervene.[9]
Only 1 in 10 teen victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.[10]
4 out of 5 students (81%) say they would be more likely to intervene in instances of cyberbullying if they could do it anonymously.[11]
