What's Right with Your Teenager?
Parenting teenagers is an unpredictable journey.
Amidst the whirlwind of emotions and challenges, it's natural to focus on problems and deficits rather than the inherent strengths of our teenagers. However, through my own experiences and discoveries, I've come to realize the transformative power of adopting a strengths-based approach to parenting.
Having 4 kids in the span of 4 1/2 years,
I quickly realized they all needed to be parented differently. There wasn't a one-size-fits-all approach to my wildly different crew. Even before learning about a strengths-based approach, I intuitively knew that I needed to celebrate each of my children for their uniqueness - a lesson perhaps instilled in me as the middle of 3 girls in my own family of origin.
I first learned about positive psychology and Dr. Ryan Niemiec's research on character strengths during my Functional Medicine Coaching Academy coursework. I knew that in order to get the best results for my clients who wanted to make a change, I needed to focus on their strengths. Positive psychology offers a refreshing perspective by not perpetuating the feeling of shame associated with concentrating on weaknesses.
Dr. Niemiec's insights have been instrumental in shaping my approach to parenting. His research highlights the universal nature of character strengths and their role in human flourishing across various contexts. By leveraging these strengths, individuals can tap into their unique potential and lead more fulfilling lives.
I've adapted Dr. Niemeic's work into a strengths-based parenting model, which revolves around identifying and nurturing a teenager's innate talents, abilities, and positive qualities. By focusing on what's right rather than what's wrong, this approach empowers both parents and teenagers to thrive.
Key principles of a strengths-based parenting approach include:
Focus on Strengths: Rather than dwelling on weaknesses or deficits, strengths-based parenting centers on identifying and amplifying a teenager's strengths. Parents empower their teenagers to build on their existing assets and capabilities by highlighting what's right rather than wrong.
Positive Reinforcement: Emphasizing positive reinforcement and validation, strengths-based parenting celebrates teenagers' achievements, no matter how small. This fosters a sense of accomplishment and motivation to continue progressing towards their goals.
Collaborative Approach: Parents and teenagers work together as partners in the personal growth process. Through open dialogue, active listening, and mutual respect, parents help teenagers gain insights into their strengths, values, and aspirations, guiding them toward meaningful action and personal growth.\
Goal Orientation: Strengths-based parenting is goal-oriented, focusing on helping teenagers clarify their objectives and develop strategies to achieve them. By aligning goals with their strengths and values, teenagers experience a greater sense of purpose and direction.
Resilience and Growth Mindset: Strengths-based parenting encourages a mindset of resilience and growth. Parents help teenagers reframe setbacks as opportunities for learning and development, leveraging their strengths to overcome obstacles and thrive in the face of adversity.
The VIA Institute on Character (where Dr. Niemeic works) is a non-profit organization dedicated to bringing the science of character strengths to the world. Its strengths framework provides a practical guide for implementing strengths-based parenting. By embracing and leveraging these 24 character strengths, parents can foster a more positive and supportive environment for their teenagers to thrive.
I highly encourage parents to take the VIA Character Strengths Survey themselves. This online quiz provides invaluable insights into your own strengths, serving as a foundation for understanding and appreciating your teenager's strengths. Additionally, there's a youth survey available for your child to take. However, if they're unwilling to participate, you can likely infer their strengths based on your observations and interactions with them.
Let's explore some of these character strengths and how they can be applied in the context of parenting teenagers:
Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence: Encouraging gratitude fosters positivity and stronger relationships.
Bravery: Encouraging facing fears fosters courage and personal growth.
Creativity: Encouraging teenagers to express themselves creatively fosters innovation and self-expression.
Curiosity: Nurturing teenagers' natural curiosity promotes a lifelong love of learning and intellectual growth.
Fairness: Teaching about fairness promotes integrity and respect.
Forgiveness: Modeling forgiveness promotes emotional resilience and empathy.
Gratitude: Practicing gratitude promotes resilience and appreciation.
Hope: Nurturing optimism fosters perseverance and a positive outlook.
Humility: Modeling humility teaches empathy and respect.
Humor: Sharing laughter promotes resilience and stress relief.
Integrity: Modeling honesty and trustworthiness fosters integrity and authenticity.
Kindness: Modeling kindness teaches empathy and generosity.
Leadership: Encouraging leadership roles fosters confidence and motivation.
Love: Expressing unconditional love creates a safe and nurturing environment.
Love of Learning: Fostering curiosity promotes lifelong learning and development.
Open-Mindedness: Embracing different perspectives promotes tolerance, understanding, and critical thinking.
Perspective: Nurturing perspective involves helping teenagers see situations from different angles, fostering empathy, understanding, and problem-solving skills.
Persistence: Supporting goal pursuit fosters resilience and achievement.
Prudence: Guiding wise decision-making fosters responsibility and self-discipline.
Self-Regulation: Developing self-control promotes resilience and adaptability.
Social Intelligence: Helping teenagers navigate social situations fosters healthy relationships and emotional intelligence.
Spirituality: Supporting spiritual beliefs fosters a sense of purpose and connection.
Teamwork: Collaborating on family projects fosters cooperation and shared responsibility.
Zest: Encouraging zest involves fostering enthusiasm, energy, and passion for life, helping teenagers approach challenges with vigor and optimism.
As teenagers transition into adulthood, they naturally seek independence and autonomy. Strengths-based parenting acknowledges this developmental stage and encourages parents to adopt a mentor or guide role rather than a manager or fixer role. By focusing on their strengths, parents empower teenagers to take ownership of their lives and shape their identities.
In Tony Robbins's words, "Where focus goes, energy flows."
As a Teen and Parent Well-being Coach,
I've witnessed firsthand the profound impact of shifting our focus from problems to strengths. This shift enhances parent-teen relationships and cultivates a sense of empowerment and resilience in both parties.
Encouragement to Parents
Taking the VIA Character Strengths Survey is the first step towards strengths-based parenting. Remember, self-awareness and self-reflection are key components in this process. By understanding our own strengths, we become better equipped to guide and support our teenagers in discovering and harnessing their unique strengths. So, I encourage you to embrace this opportunity for self-discovery and reflection, knowing that it will ultimately enhance your effectiveness as a strengths-based parent.
Conclusion
As we wrap up, I urge you to embark on this journey of strengths-based parenting with confidence and enthusiasm. Start implementing the principles discussed today in your daily interactions with your teenagers. Celebrate their strengths, nurture their talents, and empower them to thrive in their own unique way. Remember, where focus goes, energy flows. By focusing on their strengths, you're fostering a more positive and supportive environment and laying the foundation for their future success and well-being. Together, let's create a brighter, more resilient future for our families through the power of strengths-based parenting.
