Why you gotta be so mean?

Oct 2

As parents, we know the pain of witnessing our teenagers go through tough times.

Whether it's exclusion, teasing, or even bullying, it can be heart-wrenching. What's just as challenging is that often, they keep these experiences to themselves.

Why don't our teens confide in us when they face these challenges?

They may fear being judged, and want to avoid the feeling of shame. They may want to assert their independence, and handle the problem on their own. Or they may just not want to burden you with more stress and don’t want to listen to your big reaction.

There are notable differences in how boys and girls assert power and influence in social contexts…

Boys may resort to direct confrontation or competition, while girls engage in relational challenges, like social manipulation and exclusion. It's their way of navigating the intricate network of social standings.

Before we dive into more details, let's consider the 6 Human Needs, a framework developed by psychologists Tony Robbins and Cloé Madanes.
Significance, one of these needs, plays a significant role in teenage dynamics. Teens often seek significance to assert their identities and find their place in social groups.

The Science Behind It:

There's more to this than meets the eye. It's not just about teenage angst; it's also about brain development. Different parts of the teenage brain grow at different rates, affecting their decision-making abilities during heightened emotions. They are particularly and notoriously susceptible to making less than stellar decisions when under the influence of social pressure.

Additionally, social media amplifies the dynamics, both positive and negative, among teenagers. Peer pressure and group dynamics can influence these challenges. Teens often engage in these behaviours as they navigate their changing roles and relationships.

What Can a Parent Do?:

Our first task is to create a safe space for our teenagers. We can temporarily play the role of best friend with whom they can confide in without the fear of judgment. Listening and showing empathy can go a long way to heal a hurting heart.

If your teen is on the receiving end of these challenges, let them know you're there for them, you believe in them, and you’ve got their back. Listen and validate your teen's feelings, helping them process the emotions. Encourage your teens to explore solutions and strategies for handling these challenges. If necessary, consider professional help to navigate these challenges.

On the flip side, if you suspect your teen might be contributing to these challenges, approach the situation with compassion. Try to understand their perspective without jumping to judgment. When the time is right, teach accountability. Help them recognize the impact of their actions and the importance of accountability. Encourage and praise positive behaviors as an alternative to contributing to these challenges.

It's not always easy, and we might falter at times. But remember, it's a journey, and we're here to help…

If you're struggling to understand your teenager's behavior or are worried they aren’t opening up enough to get the support they need, you're not alone. Reach out, and let's chat about how we can work together to bridge the gap.

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