Reduce Conflict with Your Teenager
Banging Your Head, Biting Your Tongue, Wringing Your Hands
Sound familiar?
Does your teen say they want good grades but doesn't earmark enough time or energy to study?
Does your teen create unnecessary drama but then complain about it?
Is your teen emotionally shut down from you, but when you bring it up, they say you don't care about them?
These behaviors are confusing, frustrating, and sometimes infuriating for parents.
Do you know why?
Because they don't make rational sense....not to you at least.
Adults know how to solve these problems. Make time to study for good grades, don't start drama if you don't like it, and open up and communicate to be understood.
When teens do things that seem inconsistent with their words, it's crazy-making for parents. How is it…that a teen is brilliant in some regards (i.e., possesses computer hacking skills, knows every football player in their fantasy league, takes AP calculus) yet is so deficient in common sense?
The answer lies in both the hardware and software of the brain.
The Hardware:
Parts of the teenage brain grow at different rates. The limbic system deep inside the brain, responsible for emotions and the reward center, grows at a faster rate. The prefrontal cortex in the front of the brain develops slowest, and this area is responsible for executive functions such as time management and rational decision-making. During heightened emotions, teenagers are less able to access the part of the brain that helps them make good choices.
The Software:
The reason why people do what they do is a result of their beliefs, attitudes, motivations, and values.
Example:
A teenager is very stressed about school - so much so that the teen is overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety and depression. This stress causes them to stay up until 2:00 AM studying, which makes waking up difficult. They are irritable, may have crying spells, speak rudely to family members, and skip doing their chores.
Teenager's belief: School is hard.
Teenager's attitude: I don't like it. I can't be cheerful because I'm tired and stressed.
Teenager's motivation: I study hard because I want to beat everyone else in school so I can feel good about myself.
Teenager's value: Making good grades is important.
Parents get frustrated…
because they have their own set of beliefs, attitudes, motivations, and values. They need to take the time and find the value in looking at things from the angle of the teenager.
What they see is…
their teen stays up late, leaves messes everywhere, is short-tempered with everyone in the family, and doesn't do their chores. They don't understand why their teen is so stressed and emotional about school because they are intelligent and make excellent grades. The teen's lack of a cheerful disposition in the house doesn't make sense to the parent, and they find the teen to be disrespectful. The parent knows they would not have been permitted to act like that when they grew up.
Parent's belief: Teenager should make good grades, do their chores, and be polite/respectful.
Parent's attitude: They don't like having a teenager who is grumpy and messy.
Parent's motivation: They want these issues resolved to make parenting easier and so they can have a closer relationship with their teen.
Parent's value: Kids need to contribute through chores, get along with others, and be responsible for the actions that will ensure a successful future.
3 Steps to Reduce and Solve Conflict:
1) Investigate yourself
Work towards understanding your own beliefs, attitudes, motivations, and values (as well as your spouse's/co-parent's.)
Questions to ask yourself:
Why is this important?
What does it mean to me that my child _(undesired behavior)_?
Do I feel fear or pain when my child doesn't _(desired behavior)_? Why?
Is it possible I'm transferring my own past or present fear/pain onto my child?
2) Get curious and initiate a non-judgmental conversation
Work towards understanding your teenager's beliefs, attitudes, motivations, and values.
Questions to ask your teen (using stress and grades as the example):
Why is making good grades important to you?
What does it mean to you if reach your goals?
What are you willing to do to acheive this?
What are you not willing to do to aheive this?
What else? (Allow them to share their own thoughts and feelings.)
3) Sort out the information and problem-solve
Questions to ask yourself:
From what I've learned about myself and my teen, what is negotiable and non-negotiable behavior?
Example:
No matter what, my teen must always take care of the dog OR during mid-terms, I will help my teen with the dog and not get mad that I am helping because I understand how stressed out my teen is.
From what I've learned, can I identify what is easily solvable and what is a perpetual problem?
Example:
My teen is a total slob and ALWAYS leaves their stuff in the middle of the floor. Nothing I have said has changed their behavior.
Is this solvable? Yes.
Is this a perpetual argument or frustration? Yes.
If yes, what does this behavior mean to me? It means my teen is irresponsible and self-centered.
Is it true that my teen is irresponsible and self-centered? No. My teen is very responsible and giving when he/she is not stressed.
Solution:
Create a win/win.
Parent: Because I feel frustrated and disrespected that you leave your cleats in the middle of the hallway, even though I've asked you a hundred times not to do that, I have created a solution that I think will work for both of us. How does that sound?
Teen: OK. I guess. What is it?
Parent: What if I put a plastic bin right by the door, so you can drop your cleats right away when you walk in? Is that reasonable?
Teen: Yeah. I guess so.
Parent: Awesome. Because I'm pretty worn out from getting mad about your cleats, and I'm sure you're tired of hearing me complain about them.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: OK, great. What should the consequence be if I find your cleats in the hall?
Teen: You're asking me? I don't know. Take my phone?
Parent: No. That may not be appropriate. Because what happens when you leave the cleats on the floor is that you are pushing your responsibilities on to me. Either I have to move them or ask you to move them, so you're making my job harder. Does that make sense?
Teen: I guess.
Parent: So how about I help you understand what a harder job feels like? Let's make a deal that if I find your cleats on the floor, you need to help with the kitchen clean-up one extra night a week. Is that resonable?
Teen: I don’t know. It's better than taking my phone away.
Parent: I hear that, and there's no learning in taking your phone away in this situation. There's a learning in having to do an extra chore.
Teen: OK.
Parent: OK. Awesome. Here's the shoe bin, and I'm glad we've agreed. I have complete confidence that we just solved this challenge together.
Teen: Thanks, Mom/Dad.
Parent: I love you.
Teen: I love you, too.
I get it…
all this is much easier said than done. We as parents can get triggered in the moment and sometimes struggle to stay regulated during a conversation. We often end up saying things we don't mean and further damage the relationship.
If you are struggling to understand your teenager’s behavior or need help nagivating perpetual conflicts, you aren’t alone. I’m here to help.
Schedule a call with me, so we can chat about how I can help. I work with parents and teenagers. Sometimes it’s best to just work with parents, and other times it’s best to work with both. I also offer joint sessions - parent and teen together!
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