Marriage Crisis Management
I recently had the profound honor of speaking with Dr. Becky Whetstone, a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, who brings decades of experience and incredible wisdom to this vital conversation about navigating marriage challenges, crisis, and the complexities of blended families.
From Personal Crisis to Professional Calling: Dr. Becky's Journey
Dr. Becky's path to becoming a renowned expert in marriage crisis management is deeply personal. As a naturally curious person drawn to advice columns from a young age, she initially pursued journalism. However, it was her own marriage crisis in 1992—when her "dream man" suddenly became emotionally distant—that set her on a new course. After a disheartening experience with a therapist who offered no real guidance, she realized a critical void existed in how couples in crisis were supported.
Armed with newfound knowledge from her PhD research on marriage crisis and the absence of specific training for therapists in this area, Dr. Becky stepped up. For the past 20 years, she has dedicated herself to filling this void, developing her unique approach to "marriage crisis management." She now helps couples create a plan, stabilize, and make wise decisions during one of life's most distressing experiences, overseeing the entire process from start to finish. Her recently published book, I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage, is a testament to her groundbreaking work, helping individuals and therapists worldwide.
Top Tips for Navigating Marriage Problems
Dr. Becky shared several crucial pieces of advice for anyone facing marital struggles:
Seek Professional Help Early: "For God's sake, go to a therapist!" she urges. The biggest mistake people make is trying to manage serious marital problems on their own or not informing their spouse of their struggles. A therapist can make an unbelievable difference, whether the marriage ultimately survives or not.
Slow Things Down: If your marriage is on the rocks, there's no rush to make drastic decisions. Dr. Becky advocates for slowing down the process to allow nervous systems to calm, enabling more rational decision-making.
Prioritize Your Kids: "You have to put your kids first during a marriage crisis," she stresses. And if divorce occurs, this priority continues. Bombarding kids with too much change in a short period can lead to heavy consequences. Take changes one small bite at a time, allowing the entire family to adjust.
Interestingly, while women are often the consumers of self-help, Dr. Becky notes that the majority of her clients are men—the "leaning-in partners" who are often desperate to save the marriage and seek her guidance to motivate their spouse.
The Complexities of Infidelity: When Trust is Broken
Infidelity is one of the toughest challenges a marriage can face. Dr. Becky's approach is unflinchingly direct: "We treat whatever affair is going on... as the worst-case scenario." She no longer tolerates minimization, as any erotic breach of trust is a significant deal.
She shares the hard truth that it's nearly impossible to get someone in the "crazed state of obsession" with an affair partner to stop. They often lie, and attempting to reason with them is futile. Her controversial advice to the "leaning-in partner"? "Just let it play out." While incredibly difficult, accepting the obvious (even if it's painful) can sometimes cause the affair to lose its luster, as much of its appeal lies in secrecy and deception.
Dr. Becky also delivers a stark warning about the long-term consequences of affairs, particularly regarding children. Kids may become estranged from the cheating parent, reject a new partner, and hold onto resentment. She emphasizes the heavy price paid by those who choose this route.
Beyond Crisis: Navigating Blended Families
When marriages end, new relationships often begin, leading to the complexities of blended families. Dr. Becky explains that the higher divorce rate in second marriages is primarily due to the immense challenges of blending families. She's witnessed couples deeply in love divorce because their families simply couldn't meld.
She highly recommends the work of researcher Patricia Papernow (author of The Stepfamily Handbook), who offers life-changing insights into the dynamics of stepfamilies. Key takeaways include:
Someone Always Feels Left Out: In blended families, at various times, someone (a stepparent, a child) will feel like an outsider to the original family unit.
Don't Force Relationships: Never force your children to call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" or to participate in activities they resist. Allow them to be loyal to their biological parents.
Prioritize One-on-One Time: If you remarry, make a conscious effort to spend dedicated individual quality time with each of your children.
Empathy for Children: Divorce is often "foisted" upon children, and it can be incredibly unsettling. Be empathetic to their ongoing adjustments and loyalty to both parents.
Adult Children's Pain: Even adult children in their 30s, 40s, and 50s can experience profound pain and loss related to their parents' divorce and new partners. The rules of loyalty and sensitivity don't change with age. Waiting until kids are adults to divorce doesn't make it easier for them.
Dr. Becky's ultimate message for parents: "You can do this with wisdom." Arm yourself with information, seek expert guidance, and always try to put yourself in your children's shoes. They didn't choose this, and your informed approach can make all the difference in their well-being.
Ready to dive deeper into these vital conversations about marriage and family well-being?
Listen to the full episode with Dr. Becky Whetstone on The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. For direct support, you can find Dr. Becky at marriagecrisismanager.com, where she offers sessions and a support group. You can also explore her powerful book, I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage, available at all online booksellers. Don't miss this opportunity to gain invaluable insights for a healthier family life!
