Let’s talk about parenting a teen and fear:

Take a moment and think about how you would answer these questions:

● Are you parenting out of fear?

● Do you worry about your teen(s) a lot?

● Does it feel like there's a big undefinable problem in your teen's life that they can't overcome?

Ask around, and you’re likely to find that moms fall into the “worrier” category more often than dads. However, dads certainly have their own version of this feeling of uncertainty.

Let's talk about where this fear is coming from, what we can do about it, and what might happen if we ignore our tendency to parent out of fear.

What Exactly Is Fear?

Fear - the emotion itself - is similar to anxiety, and it expands geometrically over time the more we are focused on it. It's what happens when the unknown becomes a giant scary monster in our minds. We might assume the worst and then create a set of unrealistic expectations for our teens, or we might become overly involved in their lives to alleviate our worries - both of which can lead to resentment on the part of our teens.

When it comes to overcoming fear, what challenges us most is our avoidance of putting that fear into definable or solvable terms. To truly overcome our parenting fears, we must put them into a math equation or a word problem format to establish a game plan.

Let’s look at a few examples of how this could play out practically:

The Fear Of What Your Teen Does Alone:

Teens quickly go from following us underfoot to wanting nothing to do with us! It’s natural and part of their experience of growing independence. But for many parents, seeing their child spend a lot of time in their bedroom can lead to anxiety and fear. What are they up to in there? Are they interacting with things or people that may harm them? Are they avoiding us because of our parenting style? Are they okay?

To get reassurance, a parent typically wants and needs a few things:

To have consistent bidirectional communication that is not forced
To see their teen engaging in "normal" teen activities (social and extracurricular)
To know their teen is happy and thriving

So the equation for a parent looks like:

talking + engaging + smiling = less or no fear

But what if your fear is the very thing that's holding them back in one or more areas of the equation?

Your fear could actually be blocking the connection you want with your teen because they can FEEL it. They can SENSE it. It may be pushing them away because now they feel like they need to do things a particular way to please you and make you feel safe.

So how can you get the reassurance that they are OK, happy, or “normal” - while still allowing them to be their authentic selves?

Universally, teens need:

To be loved unconditionally and accepted for who they are even when they are at their unhappiest.
To be appreciated for what they are doing as opposed to criticized for what they aren't doing.
To be seen, heard, validated, and understood for who they are and the challenges they face.

So how can you get your need for reassurance met and simultaneously meet their needs as a growing, maturing young adult? Here are some tips to help you recalibrate how you approach your fear in these situations:

1. Choose Love Over Fear

Soothe your fear with love instead of being afraid if they are OK. Decide to love and accept them exactly how they are, whether they are OK or not. Take heart knowing that you are doing more to help them with your love. Your fear can't accomplish anything, but your love can.

2. Be A Confident Parent

Decide what kind of parent you need to be to handle this fearful situation. To put it another way, who would do a better job with a sad, anxious, or depressed teen?

A parent who is worried, scared, and feeling powerless?

~OR~

A parent who is calm, peaceful, and confident in their love and connection?

Determine what type of parent you want to be for the outcome you desire, then move into that space confidently.

3. Communicate Without Judgement

Communicate in a non-judgemental fashion. Have you ever felt within your gut that someone else is judging you? Almost that you can SENSE their feelings?

In the same way, your teen can FEEL that judgment from you.

The antidote to judgment is curiosity and understanding. This requires the same skills as empathy - putting yourself in someone's shoes and thinking the way they think, not the way you think. What they are doing or not doing makes perfect sense to them. So your job is to understand their thought process, which is best done through simple, non-interrogative feeling questions.

4. Trust Your Instincts

At the end of the day, you are still the parent - the trusted guardian responsible for protecting your teen. There are times when fear serves a purpose. Like all emotions - it's a signal to tell you when something is okay or not.

If something is genuinely wrong, you need to do what you need to do. Not for your own peace of mind but to keep them safe and well. The word of caution is not to let it overtake your life or relationship with your teen because it's likely blocking a deeper connection.

Lead with Love to Defeat Fear:

Ultimately, you want to parent out of love, not fear. So when it comes to your teen, be sure to take a step back, assess the situation, and find ways to create a safe space for communication. Without fear, you can truly enjoy your teen's journey into adulthood - together. Remember: It takes courage to be a parent, but the challenges are worth it.

If you are struggling with your teen:

Call me and let’s talk about if coaching is right for you or your teen. I’d be happy to explore your challenges with you and help you turn your fears into definable or solvable terms.