Understanding Your Unmet Needs
We often believe relationship conflicts stem from surface issues like money, chores, or disagreements about the kids. However, these are typically just smoke masking a deeper fire: unmet core emotional needs.
I spoke with TaraLee Eddington, a certified relationship and resilience coach and founder of Peaceful Heart Journey, about the "Starved Needs" framework she uses to help individuals and couples move from conflict to connection. This framework, developed by Dr. Matt Townsen, identifies seven basic needs that must be met for relationships to thrive.
The STARVED Needs Framework
The acronym STARVED outlines the seven essential needs that, when lacking, lead to friction, resentment, and a feeling of being disconnected in relationships.
Safety
Trust
Appreciation
Respect
Validation
Encouragement
Dedication
Safety: More Than Just Physical
The need for Safety is foundational, but it extends far beyond physical security. It encompasses financial, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social safety.
Conflict Example: A couple fights about money because one spouse is spending too much on a hobby.
Root Need: It's not about the dollar amount; it's about the other spouse's Safety. Perhaps they grew up with financial scarcity and the overspending triggers a deep fear about future security. Addressing the need for financial safety, not the budget line item, resolves the core conflict.
Appreciation: The Unspoken Need for Moms
Appreciation is a common "starved need," especially for mothers whose daily efforts often go unseen. It's crucial for building strong bonds and a secure relationship.
The Conflict: Feeling like a "naggy woman" when asking to be noticed or thanked.
The Solution: Modeling and Communication.
Model Gratitude: Parents must actively model appreciation for each other and for their children. Say "Thank you for taking out the trash" or "Thank you for making dinner" in front of the kids.
Communicate Your Need: Your spouse or children cannot read your mind. If you want appreciation, you must communicate how you want to receive it (e.g., "I feel really appreciated when you notice I stayed up late to drive you home, and you just say thank you").
Know Their Love Language: Appreciation doesn't always have to be verbal. Recognizing that a daughter may prefer a head massage (quality time/physical touch) over a verbal compliment is an act of appreciation tailored to her needs.
Respect: Battling the Need for Control
The need for Respect often arises when parents clash with their growing children, especially young adults (20-somethings) making autonomous choices—like stepping away from organized religion or pursuing a lifestyle the parent disagrees with.
The Conflict: The parent feels disrespected because the child isn't living life the way they were taught. This is often fueled by the parent's fear about their child's future.
The Solution: Stepping Back and Self-Reflection.
Stop Controlling: You cannot control another person, especially an adult child. Trying to control them when you feel disrespected will often push them further away.
Parent from Intention, Not Fear: Never parent or react out of fear. Stop and ask yourself: "Why is this situation causing me to want to control them? Am I feeling disrespected, or am I fearful for their safety?"
Relationship Over Argument: Ask yourself: "What is more important: me winning this argument, or maintaining my relationship with them?"
Conflict is Okay: Respond, Don't React
Avoidance is the enemy of connection. When conflict is suppressed, it builds up into resentment, leading to an eventual "boil over" that is far more destructive than a healthy conversation would have been.
Healthy Conflict: It's okay to walk through difficult conversations as long as you do so safely.
Respond, Don't React: When your teenager pushes your buttons, recognize that they are often looking for a big reaction.
Reaction is instinctual and uncontrolled.
Response is intentional and controlled.
By pausing and choosing to respond (e.g., "Tell me more about that," instead of immediately saying "No"), you take the "fun" out of the provocation and invite a mature discussion.
Making Decisions About Unmet Needs
If you've clearly communicated a need (from the STARVED list) to your partner or child, and they are unwilling or unable to fulfill it, you must decide what to do next:
Find It Elsewhere: Recognize that you may not get that specific need met from that specific person, and seek it in other healthy relationships or avenues.
Weigh the Relationship: Determine the importance of that need to your overall well-being and the importance of the relationship. Since you can only control yourself, you must accept the outcome or decide how to adjust your own feelings and behavior toward the situation.
Connect with TaraLee Eddington
You can find TaraLee's resources and podcast for more guidance on strengthening your relationships:
Website: peacefulheartjourney.com
Podcast: The Focused Podcast with Tara Lee (New episodes every Friday)
Which of the STARVED needs (Safety, Trust, Appreciation, Respect, Validation, Encouragement, or Dedication) resonates most with you as an area for improvement in your relationships?
