The Joyful Leader
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to The Positively Healthy Mom blog. I'm thrilled to share insights from a conversation I recently had with an extraordinary guest, Nicole Van Valen. Nicole brings a fascinating, rounded perspective to wellness: she's a licensed family therapist, a corporate executive, and even a former NFL cheerleader!
Nicole and I discussed how moms—who are the ultimate multi-taskers, counselors, and CEOs of the household—can manage the chaos of life with tweens and teens without burning out. Her message is clear: when you prioritize your well-being, you're not being selfish; you're doing a service to everyone around you by modeling self-care.
The Ready, Set, Go Framework
Nicole's framework for achieving joy-powered performance is simple and easy to remember: Ready, Set, Go.
1. Ready: Identify Your Joy and Resilience
This is often the hardest step, as many moms don't even realize they're burnt out, or they simply can't recall what they enjoy doing outside of their responsibilities.
Self-Awareness: The first step is acknowledging stress and burnout.
Modeling: When your children see you actively pursuing your joy, it gives them permission to find ways to care for themselves too.
2. Set: Design Your Landscape
This is where you implement structure to support your emotional well-being.
Systems & Routines: Design the routines and spaces that work for your family.
Boundaries: Create and communicate clear boundaries. Nicole shared her own example: "At 5:00, I need 15 minutes to quietly make and enjoy a cup of hot chai tea. Then I'll be good for the rest of the evening."
3. Go: Implement Micro Tools
This is the action phase, where you use small, intentional tools to maintain focus and perform without burnout. You are actively moving toward your goals while managing your energy.
Dessert First: Scheduling Joy into Your Day
When you're in the thick of parenting teens—managing activities, sports, homework, and the household—it's easy to push your own needs aside. Nicole offers a simple, actionable strategy to ensure you refuel: schedule your joy first, like eating dessert first!
She recommends creating a "Joy Menu" of activities at different time levels. It doesn't have to be a big vacation; it can be micro tools like:
Taking three deep breaths (takes three seconds!).
Going outside for 15 minutes to feel the sun on your face.
Engaging in a longer hobby like golf or reading a book.
The most important takeaway: Schedule at least 15 minutes into your day for something that brings you joy. This is your protected, private time.
The Power of Color-Coded Balance
For those who are visual or need structure (like corporate leaders and busy CEOs of the household), Nicole recommends a brilliant planning tool: color-coded calendars.
Assign a color to each major domain of your life:
Work: (e.g., Black)
Self-Care/Joy: (e.g., Pink)
Family/Kids: (e.g., Blue)
Spouse/Marriage: (e.g., Purple)
By looking at your weekly or monthly agenda, the colors tell the story of your life. If everything is black, you know exactly why you feel burnt out. This visual reminder helps you be more intentional and proactive about filling your schedule with the colors that represent balance.
Fueling the Family System
Understanding what refuels you is vital, but so is understanding what refuels your children. Nicole helped me realize that a hyper-social teen who is "gone all weekend" isn't necessarily being irresponsible; socializing is their fuel. Just as some people are introverts and recharge alone, extroverts recharge by being around others.
It’s crucial to identify these individual differences within the family so you can:
Avoid taking it personally or being upset when a child is constantly seeking friends (if that's their fuel).
Ensure balance by proactively guiding them to integrate other priorities (like studies or family time) around their necessary refueling activities.
Ultimately, joy shouldn't be a random occurrence; it should be an action item—a verb you schedule into your life. You deserve joy, and you can recover forward by bringing strategy to your well-being.
Resources for Integrating Joy and Resilience
To help you assess where you're strong and where you might be "leaking" energy across your life domains, Nicole offers a complimentary tool: the Sphere of Resilience Assessment.
You can also find more of Nicole's tools, strategies, and the peer-reviewed research behind her work in her book: The Joyful Leader.
To learn more about her book and access the wealth of information she shared, visit www.keaneinsights.com
