Redefining Confidence for Teens
What if the secret to your teen's unwavering confidence isn't about being perfect, but about embracing their imperfections? I sat down with Coach Eric Stenlake, a vital member of the Positively Healthy Coaching team. Coach Eric is a master at guiding teenage boys to build true, lasting confidence from the inside out, and our conversation is packed with game-changing insights you won't want to miss.
The Coaching Process: Empowering Teens to Find Their Own Confidence
Coach Eric shares his approach when a young man struggles with confidence. He begins by asking parents what's working well with their son. Then, he asks the same question directly to the young man. Identifying what aligns between these perspectives is the first step. Next, he asks the teen what they'd like to improve upon—whether academically, athletically, or in other areas—and then helps them establish actionable steps.
This process is about guiding young men to take hold of their own confidence. As coaches, we serve as guides to help them discover it for themselves, emphasizing their responsibility in their journey.
Overcoming External Focus: Anchoring in Truth
Many teenage boys struggle with confidence due to a focus on external physical attributes like muscle mass, height, or athleticism. Coach Eric addresses this by first exploring what the young man likes about himself. Then, for the aspects they dislike, he helps them unpack those thoughts by challenging them: "Is it true?"
He explains that our nervous system aligns with what we think and feel about ourselves. If a thought isn't entirely true, the goal is to interrupt that pattern. When feelings of inadequacy arise (e.g., "I'm not strong enough"), he guides them to ask, "What do I know to be true?" They then anchor themselves in positive truths, repeating phrases like, "I'm fast," or "I'm good at this." This repetition embeds positive truths into their nervous system, shifting their perspective from external comparisons to internal strengths.
Coach Eric uses a powerful example from a coaching session: When a young man compared himself to others in the weight room, he asked, "Do you need to do that, or do they need to do that?" By focusing on what the individual needs to do and what they can do well, teens can develop confidence in their unique abilities. This encourages them to define success on their own terms, rather than solely based on external ideals.
The Parent's Role: Modeling and Supporting Growth
Parents play a critical role in modeling confidence. Coach Eric, as a father of three, emphasizes the importance of approaching situations with delicacy, keeping the child at the forefront of the conversation, not the parent. He advises parents to ask: "What do they need from me right now?"
He breaks down parental roles into three categories: provider, protector, or pathway. When parents express concern, they should consider which role aligns with their child's needs. Sometimes, parents need to step back and ask their child, "What matters most to you?" and "How can I best support you?"
A common trap for parents is doing everything for their children. This inadvertently limits a child's ability to explore options, make decisions, and take action, thus hindering their confidence. Unknowingly, parents can create barriers to their child's personal growth by fostering over-reliance.
Navigating Mistakes and Building Resilience
It's crucial for parents to be okay when their teenagers are not confident, rather than making them feel ashamed. Confidence is a process, and mistakes are an expected part of it. When a child faces a setback, Coach Eric encourages parents to approach with curiosity: "What happened?" "Are you happy with that result?" "What would you do differently next time?"
This process shifts the focus from failure to learning and growth. Parents can then offer support as a provider, protector, or pathway, or simply as an accountability partner. As Coach Eric shares, sometimes a child just needs to say, "Dad, I got this." This indicates they are confident enough to handle it themselves.
Taking away the expectation of perfection and allowing children to try, even in small steps, builds confidence. Each small attempt and movement forward contributes to their belief in themselves. Celebrating these "fireflies in a jar"—small wins—helps build a strong foundation of confidence over time.
A Powerful Tool: Slowing Down and Planning
For parents dealing with social anxiety or general confidence struggles, Coach Eric offers a valuable tool: encourage your child to slow down and think through the process. In today's fast-paced, "scrolling" world, teenagers often jump from one thing to the next without a planning stage.
Help them look at their desired outcome and then work backward to identify the steps needed to get there. This not only strengthens the parent-child bond but also equips teens with crucial completion tools. It teaches them that progress is built through small actions over time, much like in sports where not every play is a touchdown.
Being an accountability partner—checking in by asking what they are doing and if they are satisfied, rather than telling them what to do—empowers them to explain their process and make their own adjustments. This fosters independence and self-reliance.
Redefining Confidence: It's Not About Perfection
Confidence isn't about feeling amazing all the time or expecting perfection. It's often the opposite: it's about going into a challenging situation and being okay with where you are. It's about self-acceptance—being okay with your current self, even if you haven't reached an ideal.
Coach Eric shares an example of his daughter experiencing a job that wasn't a good fit. He helped her differentiate between "not liking something" (a preference) and "something being unacceptable" (a boundary). If it's a new task that's difficult, he encourages staying with it and asking for help. If it's truly an unacceptable situation, he validates their decision to move on. This discernment is key to empowering them to make confident choices.
Ultimately, confidence is about believing in yourself, knowing you can get through tough situations, and being okay with the journey, even if it's not perfect. It's a vital life skill that impacts every facet of existence, helping teens thrive and become productive adults.
Final Thoughts: Patience and Family Support
Parents, be patient with yourselves and your kids. Allow time for the tools and processes discussed to take root. Don't expect perfection; you and your children will make mistakes. The faster you realize this, the quicker you can come together as a family to build individual and collective confidence, ready to tackle anything that comes your way. The support of family itself is a powerful builder of confidence, providing a loving and accepting foundation.
Ready to gain more actionable strategies for fostering confidence in your teen and creating a more supportive home?
Listen to the full episode with Coach Eric Stenlake on The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Don't miss this opportunity to redefine confidence and empower your family!
