Parents Guide Emotion
Do you ever feel like you're playing whack-a-mole with your teen's problems? You try to fix one thing, and another pops up. It's a common feeling for parents, and it’s exactly what I discussed with my good friend and trusted therapist, Heather Johnston, on a recent episode of the Positively Healthy Mom podcast. As a well-being coach, I know the request all too well: "Can you fix my kid?" But the truth is, the answer doesn't lie in just "fixing" the teen—it lies in understanding the entire family system.
Understanding the Family System
Heather and I both share a similar perspective: instead of focusing on just one person, we zoom out to see how every member of the family is impacting and being impacted by each other. When a teen is struggling—whether with social anxiety or bullying—they are often a reflection of what is happening in the system.
In many cases, parents, while intending to support their child, might be inadvertently making things worse. This can happen when their own stress, fears, or even unaddressed childhood issues create an emotional environment of shame or pressure for the child.
Checking In with Yourself: The Parent's Role
A key part of the family system approach is helping parents recognize their own contribution. Heather’s advice is simple: the first thing a parent should do is check their own emotional regulation. It's not about being perfect, but about being aware of your feelings. Are your fears about your teen's friendships or grades really about them, or are they a trigger for something you experienced in your own childhood?
As Heather points out, our kids can often trigger our own trauma, causing us to parent from a place of fear. By acknowledging and addressing our own emotional baggage, we can stop inadvertently passing on unhealthy patterns to our children.
This self-awareness and emotional regulation are foundational to a healthier family dynamic.
Connection Over Perfection: The Goal of Family Therapy
When working with families, the ultimate goal is connection. This means understanding and accepting each other for who you are. For parents, this means showing up with curiosity and an open heart, especially with teenagers who may not be as communicative.
Heather and I both emphasize that the goal is not to force a deep conversation in the car every morning. It's about being consistently present and available, so your child knows they are safe and supported. This connection isn’t always reciprocated immediately, and that's okay. The key is to not internalize your child's momentary pull for autonomy as a rejection.
A teen pulling away is a natural and healthy part of their development. By allowing them space to stretch their wings, you build a safe environment for them to return to when they need support.
Taking the First Step: Overcoming the Fear of Therapy
For any mom listening who feels intrigued but also a bit apprehensive about seeking therapy, Heather has a simple message: it's okay to feel uncomfortable. That feeling is what most people experience before their first session.
You don't need to know all the answers or have a clear roadmap. A therapist is there to walk with you on the journey, not to tell you what to do. The most important factor in finding a good therapist is whether you feel a genuine connection with them.
Ask for recommendations from friends or professionals.
Search for therapists on Psychology Today or even use new tools like ChatGPT for suggestions.
Be honest about your fears and uncertainties. You can simply say, "I'm not sure why I'm here, but I know I need support."
As a final word of encouragement, Heather stresses that by being aware of your place in the family system, you're not just helping your child—you're lifting a burden from yourself. It's a benefit for the entire system, and that awareness is the first critical step toward healing.
Connect with Heather
You can find Heather at her website, illumination-psychotherapy.com, or reach out to her at (512) 537-0614. She believes in being a partner in your journey and will help you find the right support, even if it's not with her.
