Overcoming Performance Anxiety

Talking with Your TeenYour TeenTeen DevelopmentMental HealthGoal Setting

Nov 14

Teenagers face constant pressure, whether it's giving a presentation, asking for a date, or navigating the constant comparison of social media. The secret to helping them thrive in these high-stress situations is Mental Management: shifting their focus from external fears (like peer judgment) to their internal control and purpose.

I recently spoke with Heather Sumlin, a mental management coach and founder of Sumlin Solutions, who applies the system developed by her Olympic champion father to athletes and pageantry contestants, and, critically, everyday life. Her core message is empowering parents to help their teens build a strong, positive self-image that can withstand pressure.

Overcoming Nerves: Tools for High-Stress Moments

Whether your son is asking for a homecoming date or your daughter is doing a class presentation, the underlying anxiety is the same. Heather offers these quick, powerful tips to control the mind right before a performance:

Mental Rehearsal: Have your teen mentally rehearse the situation exactly how they want it to go: what they'll say, how they'll stand, and the positive outcome (e.g., she says yes, the speech goes well). This calms the nerves and gives the self-image a positive imprint.
Action Cures Fear: The only way to get comfortable with stress is to practice in stressful situations. The more "reps" they get, the less power the fear has.
Reframe the Nerves: Instead of internalizing a racing heart or sweating palms as a sign of failure, teach them to reframe those physical feelings as excitement. Tell them: "This feeling is because I'm about to do something important."

Winning the Internal Game: Self-Image and Control

Heather stresses that peak performance, whether on a stage or in a coffee shop asking for a job, requires balance between three mental processes: Thought Control, Skill, and Self-Image.

1. Shift the Focus: Why Not Me?

Teens often focus externally on the worst-case scenario ("They’ll think I’m dumb," "What if I forget my lines?"). To build empowerment, shift the focus inward:

Know Your Why: Why are you doing this? What is your purpose? If a teen knows who they are and what they have to offer, the need to be perfect or worry about others’ opinions lessens.
The Power Question: Instead of asking, "Why me?" or "Why should I win?" ask, "Why not me?"
Look for Opportunities: Reversing the tendency to see obstacles, encourage them to look for what can go right, regardless of the outcome: "What connections could I make?" "What skills am I building?"

2. Taking Control (The Job Interview Example)

When a college freshman feared asking for a job application because they might be told to "apply online," Heather reframed the situation:

"I wanted to meet you in person first."

Be Empowered: By walking in, the teen shows confidence and initiative, immediately setting them apart from those who only apply online.
You're Interviewing Them: Remind your teen they are also choosing where they want to work. This shifts the dynamic from feeling inferior to having ownership over their future.

The Parent's Role: Building a Champion's Self-Image

The most important job of a parent is to build the child's self-image.

Praise the Character, Not the Accomplishment: It's easy to praise the grade or the win. It’s far more impactful to praise the character traits and effort that led to the attempt, regardless of the result. For example: "I am so proud of the effort and commitment you put into preparing that speech." This encourages them to keep trying in the future.
Match Their Effort: Understand your child's true level of dedication. Are they merely training to learn (interested, but not passionate) or truly training to win (driven and committed)? Don't push them to achieve goals you want more than they do. Your dedication should match theirs; otherwise, it's discouraging.

Stopping the Comparison Trap

The biggest threat to a teen's self-image and potential is comparison, which pulls both their focus and self-image out of balance.

Comparison is Robbing Potential: Comparing themselves to peers on social media (the "highlight reel") causes their self-image to take a hit, making it difficult to access their full skill potential because they no longer believe in themselves.
Mute the Negative Talk: When a teen catches themselves comparing:

Unfollow/Mute Distractions: Encourage them to mute accounts that pull their focus and only follow those who genuinely inspire and motivate them.
Stop the Derogatory Sentence: They can praise others ("She has incredible tumbling skills!") but they must stop themselves from completing the derogatory sentence: "She's amazing, I'm not." Remind them they are equally important and valuable.