Thanksgiving break is almost here, and some of us have a high schooler counting down the days until the break, while others have a college freshman walking back through the door next weekend.
First-semester grades are getting real. College applications, class rankings, and conversations about what's next may also be on the minds of our high school students.
Somewhere between the airport and the second helping of stuffing, we might hear a sentence like this:
"Honestly, I think I got in by accident. Everyone there is smarter than me."
Or maybe it's:
"I studied so hard and still didn't do well. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this."
We know these kids. We've watched them work hard, overcome challenges, and accomplish things they once thought were out of reach. So our instinct is to jump in with reassurance.
"That's ridiculous. You worked so hard for this!"
It comes from love. But sometimes, it doesn't quite reach them.
Why? Because what they're struggling with isn't necessarily a lack of evidence that they're capable. It's a deeper belief that maybe they're not as capable as everyone thinks they are.
This is one way imposter syndrome shows up, and it's something parents of both teens and young adults should understand.
What Is Imposter Syndrome?
The original psychological term is imposter phenomenon, introduced in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. They studied high-achieving women who struggled to internalize their accomplishments and often attributed their success to luck, timing, or other external factors rather than their own abilities.
Today, the more commonly used term is imposter syndrome. It's important to know that it isn't a formal mental health diagnosis. It's a pattern of thinking that can affect capable, accomplished people across different ages and stages of life. A systematic review of research on imposter syndrome also highlights how it has been studied across different populations and settings.
There are a few recognizable patterns:
Discounting success: An A was an easy test. Getting accepted into college was a fluke. The teacher just likes me.
Personalizing struggle: A difficult assignment or disappointing grade becomes evidence that I'm not smart enough.
Comparing ourselves to others: Everyone else seems more capable, more prepared, or more deserving.
Fear of being found out: Eventually, someone will realize I'm not as good as they think I am.
The reason this can be frustrating for parents is that logical evidence of success doesn't necessarily resolve these feelings.
A student can have a 3.8 GPA, make the varsity team, get accepted into a competitive college, or earn a leadership position and still feel like they don't belong.
Why? Because the underlying question isn't always, "Am I capable?"
Sometimes it's, "Am I good enough?"
And when our sense of worth becomes tied to our performance, there's always something else to prove.
Why High Achievers Can Be Especially Vulnerable
Think about what happens when a student has spent years being known as the smart one, the responsible one, the athlete, or the one who always gets things right.
Those identities can become a big part of how they see themselves.
There's nothing wrong with being successful or taking pride in accomplishments. The challenge comes when a student begins to believe that maintaining that identity is necessary to maintain their value.
For some students, struggling more than usual feels like losing a part of who they are.
A high school student who has always earned A's might panic when a class becomes difficult. A student who has always been a standout athlete might struggle when they become one of many talented players. A college student who was at the top of their high school class might suddenly feel average.
Imposter syndrome doesn't always look like insecurity. Sometimes it looks like overachieving. A student might take on extra work, spend hours perfecting an assignment, dismiss compliments, or avoid opportunities unless they feel completely qualified. From the outside, these behaviors can look like ambition and dedication. But underneath, they may be driven by a fear of not being good enough.
The comparison pool changes, but their expectations of themselves don't always change with it.
Research by Carol Dweck and Claudia Mueller helps explain part of this pattern. In a 1998 study, children praised for their intelligence were more likely to struggle with motivation and performance after experiencing failure than children praised for their effort. This is one reason growth mindset language can be helpful.
The takeaway isn't that we should stop celebrating our kids' accomplishments. It's that we want them to understand that their abilities can grow, effort matters, and one disappointing outcome doesn't define them.
Why Transitions Can Make It Worse
Transitions have a way of exposing insecurities that may have been there all along.
Think about the developmental changes happening during the high school and college years.
Starting high school and suddenly being surrounded by students who were also the best in their middle school.
Taking AP classes and realizing that getting an A requires more effort than it used to.
Navigating college applications and feeling like every grade, activity, and accomplishment determines the future.
Starting college and discovering that nearly everyone else was also at the top of their high school class.
Entering a new social environment and wondering whether you fit in or belong.
Psychologists Gregory Walton and Geoffrey Cohen have studied something called belonging uncertainty. It's the concern that people like me may not fit in or belong in a particular environment.
Their research with college students found that students experiencing early challenges sometimes interpreted those difficulties as evidence that they didn't belong, while assuming their peers weren't experiencing the same struggles.
The message is important for parents at every stage:
Struggling to adjust doesn't mean you don't belong.
Our teens and young adults need to hear that self-doubt during a transition is common. They aren't the only ones figuring things out, even when it looks that way.
The Part We Play as Parents
This is where I want us to take a little closer look at our own messaging.
Clance and Imes described family patterns that could contribute to feelings of inadequacy. One example involved children who were labeled as exceptionally intelligent or talented. When they eventually encountered something difficult, they struggled to reconcile the experience with the identity they'd been given.
Another pattern involved children who grew up in comparison to a sibling who was viewed as the naturally gifted or accomplished one.
Most of us can probably recognize some version of these dynamics in our own families.
We don't set out to put our kids in a box. We celebrate their strengths, encourage their interests, and take pride in what they accomplish. But sometimes, the labels we give them become expectations they feel they have to maintain.
Praise can also send an unintended message.
When our child does well, "You're so smart!" is probably one of the easiest things to say. But if being smart becomes a big part of their identity, what happens when something doesn't come easily?
They may begin to question whether they're actually smart after all.
This connects to a bigger theme I've explored before: how a teen's sense of self-worth influences the decisions they make, the pressure they feel, and their willingness to stand by what they believe.
Our kids hear what we say, but they also interpret what they think it means about how we see them.
"Of course you got into that college. You're brilliant!"
We mean it as reassurance. But what might they hear underneath?
"I need to keep being brilliant."
Or:
"Everyone expects me to succeed. What happens if I don't?"
This doesn't mean parents cause imposter syndrome. There are many factors that contribute to how students develop confidence and view their abilities. But we do have an opportunity to shape the messages our kids receive about success, failure, and their worth.
I want my kids to know that I celebrate their accomplishments, but my belief in them isn't dependent on those accomplishments.
And neither should their belief in themselves be.
What to Say and Do When Your Teen or College Student Expresses Self-Doubt
So what do we actually do when our student starts questioning whether they're good enough?
Here are six ways to approach those conversations.
1. Let the Comment Land Before You Fix It
When your teen says, "I think I got into college by accident," or "I'm not as smart as everyone else," resist the urge to immediately argue with them.
Try a pause and a question instead.
"What happened that made you feel that way?"
There may be a specific grade, a difficult class, a comparison with a friend, or an experience that triggered the feeling.
We don't have to agree with their conclusion to be curious about what led them there.
Sometimes, feeling understood is what allows a student to consider another perspective.
2. Normalize the Doubt
One of the most helpful things we can do is remind our kids that they're not the only ones who feel this way.
"Do you know how many people start a new school or college and wonder if they belong there? A lot more than you think."
Research on belonging uncertainty reinforces the value of this message. When students understand that struggling to fit in or adjust is a common experience, they're less likely to interpret it as a personal deficiency.
We want our kids to understand that feeling uncertain doesn't mean something is wrong with them.
3. Help Them Recognize Their Own Contributions
When our kids discount their accomplishments, we can help them see the evidence without arguing or exaggerating.
If they say, "The test was easy," we might respond:
"Maybe it was an easier test, but you also studied and prepared. Both things can be true."
If they say, "I just got lucky," we might ask:
"What did you do that helped put you in that position?"
We're not trying to convince them that everything they do is exceptional. We're helping them recognize their own role in their accomplishments.
4. Help Them Define Good Enough
This is a question I use with many of the teens and young adults I work with:
"What would good enough look like?"
Students who struggle with perfectionism or imposter thinking often have difficulty answering this question. Their expectations keep moving, and they rarely feel they've done enough.
A student might believe anything less than an A is failure, even when they're learning challenging material. Another might feel they need to be the best player on the team to justify their place.
Help them identify what a reasonable, achievable expectation looks like.
We can also help them notice the story they're telling themselves. When they think, "I'm not smart enough," encourage them to pause and ask:
"Is that actually true, or is that what I'm telling myself because something didn't go the way I wanted?"
We can't always control our first thought, but we can learn to question it and choose a more helpful response. The goal isn't to replace every negative thought with an unrealistic positive one. It's to help them develop a more balanced and accurate way of thinking.
The goal isn't to lower their standards. It's to help them develop standards that support growth rather than constantly undermine their confidence.
5. Share One of Your Own Experiences
Most of us have experienced a moment when we questioned whether we were capable of doing something.
Maybe it was starting a new job, taking on a leadership role, going back to school, or walking into a room where everyone seemed to know more than we did.
Share that experience with your teen. Talk about what you were thinking, how you handled it, and what you learned.
Our kids don't need parents who have everything figured out. They benefit from seeing that capable adults experience uncertainty, make mistakes, and continue moving forward.
It also reminds them that they're not alone.
6. Be Thoughtful About the Praise We Give
We will have plenty of opportunities to celebrate grades, accomplishments, and milestones.
Rather than focusing exclusively on how smart or talented our kids are, let's also recognize the things they can influence.
"I noticed how much preparation you put into that."
"You kept working even when it got frustrating."
"I love seeing you try something new."
"I'm proud of how you handled that disappointment."
We want our kids to develop confidence in their abilities without believing those abilities determine their worth.
There's a difference.
When It Doesn't Pass
For some students, these feelings ease as they become more comfortable in their environment, find their people, and gain confidence in their abilities.
For others, persistent self-doubt can begin to influence their decisions.
They may avoid opportunities because they're afraid of failing, overwork themselves trying to prove their worth, or struggle to accept positive feedback. They might also experience anxiety that interferes with school, relationships, or everyday life.
If you're noticing these patterns, it may be worth exploring additional support through a counselor, therapist, or coach (like me!), depending on what your student is experiencing.
The goal isn't to eliminate every moment of self-doubt. Some uncertainty is part of growing, learning, and taking on new challenges.
The goal is to help our teens and young adults develop a healthier relationship with achievement, build confidence in their abilities, and understand that their worth isn't something they have to continually prove.
Because here's what I want our kids to know:
You can be smart and still struggle.
You can be capable and still need help.
You can be successful and still make mistakes.
You can be surrounded by talented people without being any less valuable yourself.
And you don't have to be the best, the smartest, or the most accomplished person in the room to deserve to be there.
Your worth isn't something you earn. It's something you already have.
That's a message worth repeating, at Thanksgiving and all year long.
If your student needs help with feelings of imposter syndrome, I'm here to help! Schedule a consult to explore how coaching can change these patterns.
Warmly,
