Raising a Teen Who Won’t Look the Other Way

You have probably seen the Cornell headlines by now.

Having a daughter who is a freshman in college makes this situation even more scary. But you don't need to be a girl-mom, a girl-dad, or even know a girl who is in college to be horrified.

You only need to be human.

What happened to this young woman was horrific. And what is equally disturbing is the possibility that other young men knew something was happening and did nothing to stop it.

I don't know the specifics. I wasn't there, and I don't want to pretend I know exactly what each person knew, when they knew it, or what they could have done.

But the reports that others were aware of what was happening raise a question that is much bigger than this one case:

What makes someone see something that is wrong and decide it isn't their responsibility to do something about it?

Good Character Emerges When Nobody Is in Charge

Most of us have talked to our teens about consent, or they have learned about it at school. Yes means yes. No means no. And someone who is too intoxicated to make or communicate a decision cannot meaningfully consent. That matters, and we should keep saying it.

But what happened at Cornell is about more than whether she said yes or no or whether her incapacity to make that decision was taken into account. It is about character.

Character shows up when no one is watching. It shows up even more when everyone is watching, the stakes are real, and nobody is in charge. It is the willingness to say, “Dude, this is wrong and it needs to stop.”

A teenager who speaks up at a party does not get a trophy. They get called a nerd. A loser. A snitch. And if the person doing the wrong thing is a friend, speaking up can feel like ruining that friend's life.

So many choose to look the other way.

As much as we know our kids are good, we can't assume their moral reasoning and courage will hold when the stakes are this high…especially when speaking up could mean getting a friend in serious trouble.

That's a big leap from knowing the right thing to actually doing it, especially for a teen or young adult who has never had to do something that bold before.

They need low-stakes chances to practice it now.

And there is another piece of this I think we sometimes miss.

A young adult who is secure in their own worth can afford to make some people mad. A young adult who is still wondering, “Do I belong here?” may not feel like they can.

That is why building a teen's sense of worth and building their ability to make good decisions under pressure are not two separate jobs. They are connected.

If I know I am enough, I don't have to do whatever it takes to stay accepted. If I know I belong somewhere, I can risk disappointing the people in front of me. And if I can tolerate losing friends, I have a much better chance of doing what I know is right.

Why Good Kids Freeze Under Pressure

In the late 1960s, psychologists Bibb Latané and John Darley studied why people sometimes fail to act when someone needs help. Their research identified several forces that can get in the way, including diffusion of responsibility - when everyone assumes someone else will act - and audience inhibition, when people hesitate because they are worried about how they will look to everyone else.

Think about what that looks like for a teenager.

Something is happening. It doesn't feel right, but it isn't completely clear what to do. There are other people around, and nobody else seems to be doing anything.

And underneath it all is the question:

If I speak up, will I get “canceled” and pushed out of the group?

That question can be incredibly powerful.

This is why I don't think the answer is simply, “Teach your kids to have courage.”

Courage is easier when you don't feel like your entire social life is at stake.

A teen who knows, I am enough even if these people don't approve of me, has more room to make a decision based on their values.

A teen who is desperate to belong may be more willing to go along.

And the situations our teens will actually face are rarely as simple as one bad person and one obvious choice.

It may be a house full of people. Some drinking. Some joking. Something happening behind a closed door. A friend who is clearly too intoxicated. A group chat that crosses a line.

Everyone looking around and assuming somebody else will handle it.

That is where we want our teens to have something to draw on.

3 Ways to Help Your Teen Speak Up

1. Practice Speaking Up in Small Places

Start by letting them see you do it.

When a relative makes a joke at someone else's expense, say something.

When you hear someone being talked about disrespectfully, don't just let it slide.

When you see something that isn't right, let your teen hear you say, “I'm not comfortable with that.”

They need to see that speaking up doesn't have to mean making a big scene. Sometimes it is one sentence. Sometimes it is asking a question. Sometimes it is simply saying, “Hey, that's not okay.”

Then practice with them.

When your teen tells you about something sketchy that happened at school, at a party, or in a group chat, instead of immediately telling them what they should have done, ask:

“What did you do?”

Then:

“What do you think you could do next time?”

Let them think it through.

Maybe they would text a friend. Maybe they would pull someone aside. Maybe they would tell an adult. Maybe they would find a way to interrupt what was happening without confronting anyone directly.

The goal isn't to come up with the perfect response.

It's to help them see that they have options.

And when they do speak up - even clumsily, even about something small - notice it.

You don't need to lecture.

Just say:

“That took some courage. I saw that.”

Because the world isn't always going to reward our kids for doing the right thing.

Sometimes we have to.

2. Teach Discernment, Not Just Courage

I want to be careful here because “always step in” is not good advice.

Some situations are genuinely dangerous.

Our teens need to know that courage does not mean putting themselves in harm's way.

Sometimes the best option is to get someone else involved.

Bystander-intervention programs often teach several ways to respond: direct, distract, or delegate. You can say something directly. You can interrupt or redirect the situation. Or you can get someone else to help - especially someone with more authority or a safer position to intervene.

That is a much more useful conversation to have with a teenager than simply saying, “Do the right thing.”

Walk through real situations.

“You see your friend helping a girl who can barely stand up the stairs. What are your options?”

“You're in a group chat and someone starts sharing a picture of another student that shouldn't be shared. What could you do?”

“You're at a party and your friend is getting into a car with someone who has been drinking. What are your options?”

Let them think out loud.

Let them come up with the response they could actually see themselves using.

And tell them plainly:

Calling 911 is getting involved.

Calling you at 2 a.m. is getting involved.

Getting an adult is getting involved.

They do not have to be the person who personally fixes the situation.

And tell them this part more than once:

“If you call me because you are worried about someone, you are not going to be in trouble with me.”

They need to hear it enough that, when the moment comes, they don't have to stop and decide whether asking for help is going to get them in trouble.

3. Watch Our Language

Psychologist Albert Bandura studied how people can disconnect their behavior from the moral standards they normally use to guide themselves. He called this moral disengagement.

One way that can happen is through language - minimizing harm, shifting responsibility, or dehumanizing the person being harmed.

And this matters because the way we talk about people shapes the way we think about them.

That does not start in the room where something terrible happens.

It starts much earlier.

In how the guys talk about girls in the group chat.

In rating people.

In “body count.”

In jokes that turn another human being into a body, a conquest, a punchline, or a thing to be used.

And I would love to say this is a boys-only problem.

It isn't.

Girls do it too. Their group chats can be just as brutal. They can participate in the same objectification, sharing, rating, and sexualized conversations.

So we pay attention to language.

Not necessarily with a lecture.

With questions.

“Would you say that if she were standing right here?”

“What do you think she would feel reading that?”

“When you talk about someone that way, what happens to the way you see them?”

And then we look at our own language.

The way we talk about people on the news.

The jokes we let slide because everyone laughed.

The way we talk about the kid on the other team (or even our own team. UGH. Don’t get me started.)

The way we describe someone who annoys us.

Our teens are listening to what counts as acceptable in our house.

And they take that definition with them when they leave it.

When We're Not in the Room

And this is part of why letting go can be so hard as a parent. We can't always know who our kids are with. We aren't always in the room. We can't always tell from their face that something isn't right.

And that can be terrifying.

But it is also why this matters.

Our kids are going to face situations we aren't there to see. Sometimes that happens in middle school. Sometimes high school. And eventually, they'll be in college or out on their own.

We can't be there for every decision, every conversation, or every situation.

What we can do is help them develop enough confidence, self-worth, judgment, and courage to make decisions when we're not standing beside them.

That work starts long before move-in day.

What We Are Actually Raising

What I want for my own kids is for them to develop the critical thinking, moral reasoning, self-worth, and discernment to know where the line is.

I want them to recognize when someone has crossed the line - and not convince themselves it's okay just because everyone else seems okay with it.

That's why I want speaking up to become part of who they are, not just something they remember from a conversation we had with them before college.

“That's not okay.”

“I'm not going along with this.”

“Someone needs help.”

“I'm going to do something.”

We can raise the one who won't look the other way.

Need help having these conversations?

If you're worried about your teen or young adult's friends, decision-making, confidence, or ability to handle pressure, you don't have to figure it out alone.

I offer a free 30-minute discovery call for parents who want to talk through what's happening and whether coaching could be helpful.

No pressure. Just a conversation.

Sources

Diaz, J., & Mann, B. (2026, September 28). Cornell agrees to an independent probe into its handling of a fraternity rape case. NPR.

Darley, J. M., & Latané, B. (1968). Bystander intervention in emergencies: Diffusion of responsibility. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 8(4), 377–383.

Latané, B., & Darley, J. M. (1970). The Unresponsive Bystander: Why Doesn't He Help? Appleton-Century-Crofts.

Bandura, A. (1999). Moral disengagement in the perpetration of inhumanities. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 3(3), 193–209.