In Part 1 of this series, I wrote about raising teens who are willing to speak up when they see something wrong, even when it makes them uncomfortable.
Read Part 1: Raising a Teen Who Won't Look the Other Way
The Cornell case has brought renewed attention to sexual assault on college campuses, and to a reality that extends far beyond one school. When this case came to light, I saw the same message on social media over and over: Teach your sons about consent.
I agree. We absolutely need to talk to our teens about consent, boundaries, and what it means to freely agree to sexual activity. Someone who is too impaired to make or communicate a decision cannot consent.
But I think we need to go further.
A consent talk teaches a rule. It doesn't necessarily change the attitudes behind someone's behavior. Rules matter. They establish expectations, and the fear of consequences may stop someone from doing something harmful. But a rule alone doesn't address why a person might feel entitled to someone else's body, minimize coercion, or believe that a woman who says no is somehow wronging him.
Those attitudes deserve more attention.
Some young men already know that taking advantage of a girl who has been drugged or is too intoxicated to consent is wrong. They would never do it. Knowing the rule doesn't guarantee someone will follow it. That's why we need to go beyond teaching consent and also address the attitudes that can lead someone to justify crossing another person's boundaries.
Research offers one example of this disconnect. Some men report engaging in sexually coercive behavior without identifying it as rape, even when the behavior meets the legal definition.
If we focus only on teaching the rule, we may miss the beliefs that allow someone to justify crossing the line.
As a mom raising sons and someone who has spent years teaching and coaching teens, I want to have this conversation without treating boys as though they're all potential perpetrators. Most boys I know would never want harm to come to their sisters, girlfriends or female friends.
So what contributes to the choices some people make? How do cultural messages, peer attitudes, entitlement, and a lack of empathy influence the way a young man treats someone else? And what can parents do to help their sons develop the judgment and values that support respectful relationships?
What is your son learning about women?
Teenagers can encounter messages about women and relationships that promote dominance, contempt, and the idea that a man's value depends on his money, status, or ability to attract women. Some online influencers present women as manipulative or suggest that men should control relationships.
And boys don't necessarily have to search for this content to encounter it.
In a 2024 experiment, researchers at Dublin City University created accounts modeled on teenage boys and studied what TikTok and YouTube Shorts recommended. The accounts were shown manosphere content within 23 minutes. After two to three hours, more than three-quarters of the recommended content was classified by the researchers as toxic. A separate experiment by researchers at University College London and the University of Kent found that misogynistic videos increased from 13 percent to 56 percent of recommended TikTok videos over five days (Baker, Ging, & Andreasen, 2024; Regehr et al., 2024).
These simulated-account experiments don't represent every teenage boy's feed, but they raise an important question: What ideas about women might our sons be hearing repeatedly, sometimes without looking for them?
Pay attention to how your son talks about girls. Does he make sweeping statements about women or use derogatory terms? Does he describe a girl who rejected him as though she did something wrong? Does he repeat the idea that women owe men attention or affection?
One comment doesn't tell you everything. Teenagers repeat things for all sorts of reasons. What matters is whether those ideas shape how he views and treats others.
Research links hostile attitudes toward women and certain beliefs about masculinity with sexual aggression. This doesn't mean every boy who watches a particular influencer will become abusive, but the messages young men absorb are worth paying attention to.
Ask what he watches and what he thinks about it. You might say, "Do you actually agree with what that guy is saying about women?" or "Why do you think that influencer is so popular?"
You don't have to turn every conversation into a lecture. Genuine questions can help you understand what your son thinks. If he repeats something degrading, ask: Is it fair? Is it true? How might it affect the way he treats someone?
We can't control everything our sons encounter online. We can help them learn to question what they're hearing rather than accept it as the truth.
When does locker-room talk cross the line?
Boys joke around. They tease one another, talk about girls they're attracted to, and sometimes say immature things to get a laugh. Not every inappropriate joke is evidence of a serious problem.
But dismissing everything as "boys being boys" misses the point, too.
Research on sexist humor suggests that its effects can depend on the attitudes of the person hearing it. In some studies, men who already held hostile views about women were more likely to endorse aggressive or discriminatory responses after hearing sexist jokes. Humor can make degrading attitudes seem acceptable, particularly in a group where nobody challenges them (Ford et al., 2008; Thomae & Viki, 2013).
There's a difference between joking around with friends and repeatedly humiliating girls, degrading them based on their appearance, sharing intimate pictures without permission, or laughing about taking advantage of someone who is too intoxicated to consent.
Does the humor depend on making another person feel small? What happens when someone says it isn't funny? Can your son consider that point of view, or does he immediately turn on the person who objected?
Friends influence what feels normal. One study linked college men's friends' attitudes with their own reports of sexual aggression (Swartout, 2013). A friend group doesn't determine someone's behavior, but repeated degrading talk shouldn't be dismissed as harmless banter.
We can let boys joke around and be themselves without treating being a boy as an excuse to mistreat someone.
Rejection, self-worth, and entitlement
How does your son handle rejection? What happens when a girl isn't interested in him? Can he feel disappointed without making her the bad guy? Can he accept that someone doesn't want a relationship with him?
Rejection can hurt, especially during adolescence, when a teen's identity is still developing. We can acknowledge those feelings without suggesting that someone else has done something wrong by saying no.
There is a meaningful difference between feeling disappointed and believing you're entitled to another person's attention, affection, or body. Research has linked sexual entitlement and certain forms of narcissism with sexual aggression. In one study, men higher in narcissism responded more aggressively to sexual rejection under the conditions researchers examined (Bushman et al., 2003; Hill & Fischer, 2001).
The concern isn't that a boy feels hurt. It's what he believes that hurt entitles him to do.
This is one reason I care about self-worth. A boy who feels he must prove himself through sexual conquests, popularity, or approval from other guys may feel pressure to act against what he knows is wrong. A survey of young men in the US, UK, and Mexico linked rigid ideas about masculinity with higher reports of sexual harassment (Heilman, Barker, & Harrison, 2017).
Confidence alone doesn't prevent sexual assault, and low self-esteem isn't a simple explanation for it. What matters in our parenting is helping our sons handle disappointment, respect other people's choices, and understand that their feelings don't give them permission to cross someone else's boundaries.
We can validate a teen's feelings while being clear about what behavior is acceptable.
Empathy and seeing the whole person
Objectification reduces someone to their body, appearance, or usefulness to another person. Dehumanization goes further by disregarding that person's feelings, autonomy, and dignity.
When someone becomes a conquest, a status symbol, or a way to impress friends, it's easier to overlook what that person wants or how they're feeling. Studies have linked the dehumanization of women with sexual aggression, and research on sexualized portrayals of rape victims has found that people may blame victims more and perceive their suffering as less severe (Loughnan et al., 2013; Rudman & Mescher, 2012).
Girls and women have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries. Their worth doesn't depend on their appearance, what they wear, how much they drink, or whether they're interested in a particular boy.
Empathy is part of this. Research examining risk factors for sexual aggression has found that empathy may matter in how those risks relate to behavior (Wheeler, George, & Dahl, 2002). It isn't a guarantee of safe behavior, but learning to recognize another person's perspective is an important part of respectful relationships.
Does your son notice when someone is uncomfortable or vulnerable? Does he recognize when a person needs help? Does he understand that being too intoxicated to make or communicate a decision about sex means that person cannot consent?
Talk through real situations. What would he do if someone at a party were too intoxicated to care for herself? What if a friend were making degrading comments about a girl? What if he saw someone being pressured into something sexual?
These conversations give teens opportunities to think through what respect looks like in real life, not just repeat a rule they have heard before.
Empathy doesn't replace accountability. Understanding another person's feelings matters, and so does respecting their decisions and taking responsibility for our own behavior.
Boy Moms, we can be proud of our sons
I understand why some moms feel defensive when conversations about sexual assault seem to cast boys as a group in a negative light. We love our sons. We see their humor, courage, loyalty, competitiveness, and generosity. We know they are individuals, and we don't want them to feel ashamed of being male.
We don't have to choose between being proud of our sons and taking sexual assault seriously.
We can encourage strength and leadership while teaching that they come with responsibility: respecting women, questioning what they hear, and speaking up when someone is mistreated.
Being a good friend sometimes means telling your buddy when he's wrong. It may mean refusing to laugh at a degrading joke or stepping in when someone is being pressured. Research on college men has found that men can misjudge how accepting their peers are of attitudes that excuse rape and underestimate their peers' willingness to intervene (Fabiano et al., 2003). What a young man believes other men will do can influence whether he steps in.
Being proud of your son doesn't mean defending everything he says or does. If he hurts someone, he needs to take responsibility. If he makes a mistake, we can help him learn from it without excusing the behavior. He can know he's loved and still be expected to do better.
What can parents do?
Here are three places to start.
1. Stay curious about the world your son is growing up in. Ask about the people he follows, the things his friends say, and the messages he encounters about women and relationships. Listen to his answers. You don't have to agree with everything he says to have a useful conversation.
2. Address the uncomfortable moments. If your son makes a degrading comment or expresses an unhealthy belief, don't automatically dismiss it as a joke. Ask what he means, explain your concerns, and help him consider the impact of his words and actions. The goal isn't to assume the worst about him; it's to make sure harmful ideas don't go unchallenged.
3. Keep talking as he gets older. Consent, rejection, empathy, entitlement, and accountability deserve more than one conversation. Our sons develop their understanding of relationships over time, through what we discuss, what they observe, and how we respond when uncomfortable situations arise. A CDC-led review of 140 evaluations of sexual violence prevention strategies found that relatively few had demonstrated effectiveness in changing sexually violent behavior (DeGue et al., 2014). That doesn't mean conversations don't matter. It means we shouldn't assume that providing information alone is enough. We need to help our sons question harmful attitudes, practice making good decisions, and understand why respecting another person's boundaries matters.
Our sons will make their own decisions. We can help them develop the judgment to recognize harm, respect others' autonomy, and take responsibility for their behavior.
I want our sons to understand that attraction doesn't create entitlement, that no one owes them sex or affection, and that another person's boundaries matter. I also want them to feel proud of who they are and confident in the men they're becoming.
Teaching consent is essential. But preventing sexual assault also means addressing the attitudes that allow people to excuse violating another person's boundaries. A rule tells our sons what not to do; our conversations, example, and expectations help shape how they treat others. Both matter. We want our sons to respect people because they understand their dignity, not simply because they're afraid of getting caught.
A note on the research…
Many studies cited here involved college men and measured attitudes, intentions, or self-reported behavior rather than independently verified assaults. Some show associations, not cause and effect. The social media findings came from simulated accounts, not from tracking every teenager's feed. These studies cannot predict what an individual boy will do, but they can help identify attitudes and social influences worth discussing.
Sources:
Abbey, A. (2002). Alcohol-related sexual assault: A common problem among college students. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, Supplement, (14), 118–128.
Baker, C., Ging, D., & Andreasen, M. B. (2024). Recommending toxicity: The role of algorithmic recommender functions on YouTube Shorts and TikTok in promoting male supremacist influencers. DCU Anti-Bullying Centre, Dublin City University. https://antibullyingcentre.ie/recommending-toxicity/
Bushman, B. J., Bonacci, A. M., van Dijk, M., & Baumeister, R. F. (2003). Narcissism, sexual refusal, and aggression: Testing a narcissistic reactance model of sexual coercion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 1027–1040.
DeGue, S., Valle, L. A., Holt, M. K., Massetti, G. M., Matjasko, J. L., & Tharp, A. T. (2014). A systematic review of primary prevention strategies for sexual violence perpetration. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 19(4), 346–362.
Edwards, S. R., Bradshaw, K. A., & Hinsz, V. B. (2014). Denying rape but endorsing forceful intercourse: Exploring differences among responders. Violence and Gender, 1(4), 188–193.
Fabiano, P. M., Perkins, H. W., Berkowitz, A., Linkenbach, J., & Stark, C. (2003). Engaging men as social justice allies in ending violence against women: Evidence for a social norms approach. Journal of American College Health, 52(3), 105–112.
Ford, T. E., Boxer, C. F., Armstrong, J., & Edel, J. R. (2008). More than "just a joke": The prejudice-releasing function of sexist humor. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(2), 159–170.
Heilman, B., Barker, G., & Harrison, A. (2017). The Man Box: A study on being a young man in the US, UK, and Mexico. Promundo-US and Unilever.
Hill, M. S., & Fischer, A. R. (2001). Does entitlement mediate the link between masculinity and rape-related variables? Journal of Counseling Psychology, 48(1), 39–50.
Loughnan, S., Pina, A., Vasquez, E. A., & Puvia, E. (2013). Sexual objectification increases rape victim blame and decreases perceived suffering. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 37(4), 455–461.
Regehr, K., Shaughnessy, C., Zhao, M., & Shaughnessy, N. (2024). Safer scrolling: How algorithms popularise and gamify online hate and misogyny for young people. University College London and University of Kent, published by the Association of School and College Leaders. https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2024/feb/social-media-algorithms-amplify-misogynistic-content-teens
Rudman, L. A., & Mescher, K. (2012). Of animals and objects: Men's implicit dehumanization of women and likelihood of sexual aggression. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(6), 734–746.
Swartout, K. M. (2013). The company they keep: How peer networks influence male sexual aggression. Psychology of Violence, 3(2), 157–171.
Thomae, M., & Viki, G. T. (2013). Why did the woman cross the road? The effect of sexist humor on men's rape proclivity. Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology, 7(3), 250–269. https://kar.kent.ac.uk/35368
Wheeler, J. G., George, W. H., & Dahl, B. J. (2002). Sexually aggressive college males: Empathy as a moderator in the Confluence Model of sexual aggression. Personality and Individual Differences, 33(5), 759–775.
Ybarra, M. L., & Mitchell, K. J. (2013). Prevalence rates of male and female sexual violence perpetrators in a national sample of adolescents. JAMA Pediatrics, 167(12), 1125–1134. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2013.2629
