Parenting a Young “Adult” Through the Messy Middle Years
Just days after my daughter was “freshly graduated” from high school, she turned to me and said, "Mom, I'm an adult now. You don't get a say in what I do." To be fair, she has a job and buys most of her own clothes, but otherwise she is still completely dependent on me and lives under my roof.
Then, barely a week later, that same girl who wanted no input from me suddenly panicked about going to her college orientation on her own, a trip we had planned for months. At the last minute I bought a plane ticket and flew out with her, all because she looked at me and said, "Sometimes, I still need my mom." Direct quote.
Since then she has said things like, "One minute you're treating me like a child, and the next you're telling me I need to be responsible for all my own things. Pick a side. Which is it? Am I a kid or am I an adult?"
And I told her the truest thing I know: "Honey, we're in the messy middle. This is the in-between stage."
Welcome to the messy middle. That constant back-and-forth between "I've got this" and "I still need you" isn't a sign something is wrong. It's actually a normal developmental stage.
Psychologists call it separation-individuation—the process of becoming your own person. Your young adult isn't rejecting you. They're learning how to stand on their own while still knowing they have a safe place to land.
Big-A Adult vs. Little-a adult
Here is where the middle gets especially interesting, and it usually shows up right around the eighteenth birthday.
Overnight, your child becomes a legal adult. They can vote, sign a lease, and make their own medical calls. In their mind, case closed: they are grown. And in one sense they are absolutely right.
But there is a difference between being an Adult with a big A and an adult with a little a. Big-A Adult is the fully-launched version, the one who can support themselves and stand on their own, financially or otherwise. Little-a adult is legally grown but still learning the ropes, still on your insurance, still counting on you for rent, gas, or groceries while they build toward the big A.
Both things are true at once. Your young person is legally an Adult and still very much a little-a adult, and that gap is where a lot of the friction lives. They feel completely independent while being genuinely, practically dependent, and nobody handed either of you a map for that.
The good news is that this is not a sign anything has gone off track. Researcher Jeffrey Jensen Arnett calls this stage emerging adulthood - the years between roughly 18 and the mid-twenties when young people are no longer teenagers but not yet fully independent adults. Feeling "in between" isn't a problem to solve. It's a normal part of growing up.Leaning on parents while building an independent life is not a problem to fix. It is simply how this stage tends to look.
So how do you stay close while they pull away? Here are three simple tips to tuck in your back pocket.
Tip 1: Trade Control for Curiosity
In the little-kid years, your job was to steer. In the messy middle, your influence actually grows the more you loosen your grip on control and pick up curiosity instead. That does not mean you toss your values out the window. It means you get curious before you get corrective. Instead of "You need to handle this," try "What's your plan here? I'd love to hear how you're thinking about it." A genuine question tells your young person, "I trust you to think this through." That's when they stop bracing for a lecture and start letting you in. Curiosity keeps the door open, and an open door is worth so much more than winning any single argument.
Tip 2: Let Natural Consequences Do the Teaching
One of the kindest things you can do right now is step back and let life be the teacher. If you swoop in to fix every missed deadline, forgotten bill, or overdrawn account, you accidentally whisper "I don't think you can handle this." Small, safe stumbles are exactly how a little-a adult grows into a big-A one. Your role gets to soften from rescuer to steady witness, the calm voice that says "Oof, that sounds hard. I know you'll figure out your next step," instead of leaping in to solve it. Letting them wobble a little now is how they learn to stand tall later.
Tip 3: Name the Money Reality Together, Calmly
Money is often where the biggest sparks fly, so it helps to bring it into the light on a calm, ordinary day rather than mid-argument. Sit down together and get clear on what you are covering, what you are hoping for in return, and where they might start taking the wheel. Maybe you handle tuition while they cover their own gas and phone. Maybe there is a gentle timeline for taking over a bill or two. When the plan is spoken out loud and agreed on together, money stops feeling like a weapon and starts feeling like teamwork. Your young adult gets to feel like a partner in it, and you get to feel less like an ATM and more like a coach.
You Are Not Losing Them, You Are Launching Them
The messy middle can feel a little lonely, and some days you may quietly miss the kid who used to reach for your hand. So hold on to this: the pulling away is not rejection. It is the very thing that lets them come back to you one day as a grounded, capable, big-A Adult who chooses you because they want to, not because they need to. You are not losing your child. You are walking them to the doorway of their own big life, one imperfect, beautiful day at a time.
And if this season feels like a lot to carry on your own, you truly do not have to. I would love to invite you to a free discovery call, a warm and easy conversation to explore whether coaching might be a good fit for you or your young adult. No pressure, no script, just a chance to feel heard and to peek at what a little support could look like. Whenever you are ready, I am right here.
